i have never been more hungry in my life and the fire has never been burning harder. i am determined now more than ever.
although he told me he’d never love me and didnt want to, and it cut right through me at first and was completely unnecessarily said, 3 and a half weeks later i am smiling a little more every day because i love myself more than anyone and i will never have to hold any guilt within me about how things were said. I am being selfish for the first time in my entire life, and its the best thing to ever happen to me. for the past 4 years i have put a man before myself, i have been mistreated, used and taken for granted and although i am alone when i go to sleep, and i alone when i wake up in the morning…i still have my passion, and my music and my voice and no one can ever take that away from me. my one and only love has been and will be the art of song, and making music, and singing. i wish i had seen that more clearly the last few years but now that i finally realized this, i am un-stoppable.
no one understands me better than the minor chords of a piano. at the beginning of this new year i thought everything was set in stone. i was in love and happy. but that was a different kind of love and a different kind of happiness with another person, and not only was it not reciprocated, but i was just not put on this earth for that and for whatever reason fate wanted me to experience the goodness of that but took it away from me after 6 months of bliss…. because its not what i’m meant to do on this earth….i was put on this earth to create, and to sing, and to inspire and change the world. and thats what i intend to do.
i am cutting out the negativity in my life out. i don’t need people to make fun of the music i am trying to make, i don’t need people to tell me i am “annoying” for trying to put myself out there, i don’t need people who do not support me and this journey i am about to take to fulfill my dream.
sometimes it is hard without him, because he understood me on a level a lot of people don’t. he understood me on the level ryan and meagan understand me, and he believed in me and respected my talent because he is equally as talented and there was no jealousy and its so hard for me to find people like that to let into my life. and it has been pretty lonely being surrounded by non-believers who don’t get what i’m trying to do and i wish i could pick up the phone and tell him how amazing a recording session went, or how good my day was, i miss him in my life, i have forgotten what his voice sounds like but i have separated myself for a reason and i know one day i will be happy to look at him and the emptiness will be gone and i will be able to rejoice about a friendship and i wont want anything more than that. but until that day comes i will have a void in the center of my chest. “maybe one day the music will bring you two back together, you were just this amazing team you really had something magical about the two of you.” - John Gonzales …..whether its a friendship or something more i know we will be re-united. i just wish that day was tomorrow, so i wouldn’t have to face this journey alone and i could talk to someone who is on my level.
never the less, i have been in the studio one to two times a week, i am writing music every night in my apartment, i am not caring about school more than ever, i am working on my future and i am working with 2 great producers. life is wonderful in this big city. although there is a sense of absence in my life, i wake up every day and smile anyway because thats all i can do. i refuse to cry anymore, no point in re living pain from the past , and drowning in sorrow. i am celebrating life as a 22 year old with this amazing gift, and i would rather be alone at the end of the day than have “friends” in my life who don’t support and love and believe in me 100%. i have had many lonely days the past few weeks, but i have never been stronger and i have never been more full of inspiration. i know there is a reason why i am going through what i’m going through, the universe has something in store for me and i will continue to work hard to get to where i know i can be. I have been singing since i was 3 years old, and i have always wanted this. its all i’ve ever known.
my mom and my grandma are really the only people in my family who are really involved in my life and ” on board. ” some people are born into perfection. and they have beautiful and supportive families and friends and they are talented and smart and good at literally everything they do and are extremely good looking. i am happy for those people. i am not and will never come from a life like that. but if i didn’t face hatred and jealousy and sadness and confusion and isolation and disconnection with my family and certain people who have come in and out of my life i wouldn’t be who i am. i love who i am. and the pain that i have faced and still face only shapes me more and more into this woman who is ready for something great. who is ready to tell her story and communicate to the world and make an impact somehow. i think i am too deep for the average person, and one day if someone can love that about me, i will let them in again. but for now i will be alone, and stay that way until my voice is heard and all my hard work has paid off.
so get ready world. sarah cumings is just around the corner.