it has taken me so long to love myself. the one person who has loved me for four and a half years is throwing in the towel. no matter how hard i cry, he will not see. no matter how loud i scream, he will not hear. his illness has flooded his brain and caused him to think like the devil. he has become sucked into a world of darkness and is shutting out one of the only lights that shined down on him. you cant force someone to care. you cant force someone to love you. therefore i will stay silent in this feud. because silence is all i have left in me to give. there are no longer words for this, let the pain speak through the songs that will sing me to sleep until i can stop crying at night and the songs i will sing until i can start to smile again.
" you can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons. and in a moment they can choose to walk away. "
2011 was going so smoothly like nothing could go wrong. the worst happens when you least expect it to. people turn on you for no reason at all. people hate and people judge. and people envy. and it has consumed my best friend. the one person that stood by me when people tried to knock me down, the one person that wasnt jealous of me when i sang, the one person who believed in me more than i believed in myself has willingly removed himself from our relationship. there are no words to describe this emptiness. a part of me has died, a huge part of my life has been taken from me. you had to ruin me with an email. who are you and what have you done with the friend i adore(d). i dont know what the purpose of this pain is. maybe im due in for some, since ive been the happiest ive been in a long time, im not sure.
freezing night, alone …not the best combination. i havent cried this hard in years.
” sitting in this big white room alone,
tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down.
i close my eyes to see in the dark,
i feel young..broken..so scared.
im going crazy. im losing my mind.
close the door dont want the pain to come in.
i clench my fist and try to stay strong..
i cry, i feel sick, my heart is beating out of control.
but i have to stay in this big white room,
there’s no one else there. “