today is one of those days where everything in my surroundings pulls me back into the past and back to the parts which literally poisoned my life.
i’m trying really hard to tell myself that the reality this time is the light and not the darkness, but the smallest things just trigger those traumatic times in my life. And it worries me because i feel like i move forward but then it’s days like today that make me think i haven’t made very much progress. And now that those moments of pain are stuck in my brain its literally just making me feel sick to my stomach. Realizing and remembering what i let myself go through, and what i was put through because of selfishness…i remember i used to feel like this 24/7…wondering and waiting for all the wrong reasons…giving myself away, being selfless for the wrong person. i really lost myself for a while the past year, i felt like i had nothing left to give anyone, and if it weren’t for school i would’ve been a mess. i was cynical and hateful and sad…almost all the time unless i was singing. i don’t ever want to go back there, i don’t ever want to feel the way i let myself feel for almost 2 years. i’m just still haunted by everything. You would think enough time has passed but it’s something i deal with constantly everyday whether i realize it or not. And its the situations i was put through that haunt me not the person which is kind of almost worse.
i’m in a weird mood today. it really sucks. i miss ryan terribly. i’m most likely over-reacting and i’m trying to come down from the frustration because it’s honestly a waste of my energy. But today is harder than usual.