so jordan krause is amazing and we are working at the AMDA library together today and she helped me make one of these awesome things that is kind of like a journal. and lord knows i have a lot to say lately, and an online journal is the perfect solution. lets see,
when i leave new york city tonight at 730 pm…everything about the life i’ve lived in packanack lake wayne NJ will be over. my mom sold our house. and i know i technically hardly live there anymore, but its like my home…i feel safe there, i grew up there, my parents sat me down on the second step of the stairs leading to my room when i was 6 years old to tell me ” they still loved me but they are living in two different places.” to tell me our family was being divided forever. i cried in this house, i screamed in this house, i laughed in this house, i got ready for every musical, every play, every birthday party, every school dance, i did everything in this house. i almost lost a relationship with my mother in this house, i rebelled in this house, i prayed in this house. my house is apart of me. my entire being has attachments to this beautiful place. i am not ready to say goodbye. when i go home tonight, every room in my home will be empty. i am devastated. i feel like something has died. and i know this is only the beginning, but i cant help but feel a little lost. I will miss living in packanack lake. i sailed here, i grew up here, i learned how to sing here,i lost friendships here, i learned so much here. i hate to leave it. i am not good with change. i feel like i won’t be able to handle this. and i wish i had a place to runaway to even though running won’t solve anything.
but mostly, i wish the one person who i put trust into this past year, who i let my guard down with almost completely, who i think i fell in love with, who was a DEAR friend to me… i wish he was here. i wish i could just listen to his voice. he always knew how to calm me…he is gone. i know that word too well….gone….i know i always say love doesn’t exist. but it could’ve, and i backed down because i didn’t want to get hurt, but the funny thing is…i think i am the reason i am hurting…i feel like he was there…and i pushed him away the first time we tried and from then on it went downhill…”i still cant believe that he’s really gone.” i can’t believe he hasn’t tried to call or message me to see how i was doing. it’s painful. he’s living up to the expectations i told myself he would become, that heart-less womanizer of a man who used me like all the others. i need him more than anyone. he would understand what i’m going through. i looked up to him, he inspired me so much about everything. and he walked away. like it was nothing, like i was nothing. if he was really the person he told he he was, who i thought he was, i wouldn’t be dreaming about him constantly for no reason…and i wouldn’t be this sad about it. i lost a friend. i lost a hero. i lost…well technically he lost, because he lost out on me, and i don’t mind being his biggest loss..i just wish it never ended up that way. i wish he was here.
should you really miss someone who misled you beyond belief and who lied to you when they knew how you felt? and who took you for granted and used you for the time being…no..then why do i?
REALIZATION:i am meredith grey on grey’s anatomy. the only difference between me and her is that her guy was created to be perfect. so no matter how much she pushes him away or ruins things, he’ll always be waiting there for her because that’s what was written.